Chapter Text
The door to Twilight’s castle opened as her five friends walked in. Once they were inside, they made their way to the viewing room to be greeted by Twilight and Spike already there.
“Howdy, Twi, Spike,” Applejack said as the others voiced their own hellos. Spike waved at them as Twilight grumble a half hearted hello.
“Are you alright, darling?” Rarity asked, concerned for her friend.
“Just didn’t sleep last night,” Twilight said, yawning a bit.
“What had a lot on your mind silly filly?” Pinkie asked, bouncing over to the couch and taking a seat.
Twilight didn’t say anything as she thought about last night.
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“Crush, kill, destroy, sw-w-ag,” the robot said, stuttering a bit.
“WHY CAN’T I FIX YOU?” Twilight yelled, hitting her robot with a wrench in frustration.
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“You can say that. But how about you get us some snack and we can watch the next episode,” Twilight said, feeling herself wake up a bit.
“That sounds like a grad idea, Twiley,” a familiar cheerful voice said from the doorway. Everyone turned to see Princess Cadance.
“Cadance,” Twilight said, rushing over to her sister-in-law.
“Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake, clap your hooves and give a little shake,” the two said while doing their little dance. After the dance, they hugged each other as Twilight’s friends just watched.
Once they separated from the hug, Twilight said, “What’re you doing here, Cadance?”
“Well, I needed so time away from Flurry Heart and decided to visit,” Cadance said, following Twilight into the room.
“Really?” Twilight asked, excited to have Cadance over.
“Yes and Shining told me about the show. So I figured I could see you and this show that Shining liked,” Cadance said, taking a seat.
“Oh, before I start the episode, do you know what happened to Starlight?” Twilight said, feeling a bit worried for her friend.
“I’m sorry Twilight But the train she was on crashed in the middle of a tundra. I had my guards searching the wreckage and they told me that they found no body,” Cadance said, trying to calm down her sister-in-law.
“Where could she be?” Twilight asked herself.
“I wouldn’t worry Twilight. If Starlight can hold her own against you, then she can handle walking to the next town,” Spike said, grabbing a cup.
“You sure Spike? Starlight might be hurt,” Twilight said, panicking a little bit.
“Relax, Twilight I’m sure she’s fine,” Spike said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ where in the world is Starlight Glimmer?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I AM NOT OK!" screamed Starlight as she fired another magic bolt at another living pony skeleton as a horde shuffled over towards her.
"All trespassers shall be punished in the name of our mistress nightmare moon!"hissed out one of the lich's in the horde.
"CELESTIA BUCKING DAMMIT!!!" yelled the mare as she shot another volley of magic blast at the demonic horde.
Who knew walking through a grave that was near Everfree forest to get there faster would be a bad idea?
"The undead? Really?" The disembodied voice of Trepp asked with a hint of boredom.
"Heh what can I say? You can't beat the classics," commented Deadman as the two chaos gods watch the young mare fight her way through another obstacle the the Deadman had placed before her.
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“You’re probably right,” Twilight said, pushing play on the remote.
Interlude
(*Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston*)
Wiz: Today we're pitting two of the most worthless damsels in distress against each other.
“That seems a bit harsh,” Spike said, taking a bit out of a gem.
Boomstick: If they're not getting kidnapped, they're always nagging at you to do stuff.
Wiz: Princess Zelda, from the realm of Hyrule…
“That’s quite the elegant dress,” Rarity said, taking every detail of the dress.
Boomstick: ...and Princess Peach, of the Mushroom Kingdom.
“I love the dress,” Pinkie said, shoving a cupcake in her mouth as Rarity took a scroll and quill to sketch the dress down. She wants to see if she can recreate them for herself or maybe a fashion line.
“So it’s a battle between princesses? That’s interesting,” Twilight said
“This would have been a good episode for Aunt Celestia and Luna,” Cadance said giggling a bit.
Wiz: I'm Wiz and he's Boomstick, and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Zelda
(*Cues: Ocarina of Time - Zelda's Lullaby (Orchestrated)*)
Wiz: Being a descendent of the house of Hyrule, Princess Zelda has spent her entire life governing her kingdom. Despite having a king, the majority of royal decisions are actually made by her.
“You know that has me thinking why do we call Celestia and Luna princesses instead Queens?” asked Applejack.
“Well from what aunty Celestia told me was that during the whole Sombra situation and a lot of other bad Ponies that had the title of King and Queen made the titles themselve look at with disdain during the early rean of the two sisters,” Cadence explained in great detail.
“So…what you're saying is Sombra and some other losers made being called king and queen a bad thing?” Rainbow Dash simplified getting a nod from the princess of love.
“Exactly Rainbow Dash!” praised the pink princess with a big smile. Getting a bashful blush from the blue mare.
“Huh? And I thought it was to sell toys,” said Pinkie Pie with a shrug, getting a few odd looks sent her way.
Boomstick: Talk about a control freak. And why do they let her get away with it? I mean, she's lost her kingdom to the forces of evil more times than I can count!
“So what? Three time?” snarked Rarity. Getting a chorus of laughter from the rest of the group
Wiz: Between being waited on hand and foot, Zelda has spent some time training with her modest arsenal.
“At least she can fight,” Rainbow said, not feeling to impressed with Zelda.
Background
Full Name: Zelda Hyrule, Princess of Destiny
Race: Hylian
7th Sage/Maiden
Descendent of the Goddess, Hylia
Blessed with Wisdom of Nayru
Stubborn & Feisty
Noble & Wise
Boomstick: Bows, magic, musical instruments. She also has a sword and dagger, but has little experience with them. Her weapon of choice is the bow, which she wields with deadly accuracy. Plus, she can use her magic to turn an ordinary arrow to the powerful Light Arrow, perfect for killing evil.
“I should look to see if there’s a spell like that in the archives,” Cadance said to herself as the others were awed by Zelda’s powers.
“Those arrows would make things so much simpler,” Rarity said, shaking her head. Those arrows could have helped them during the Changeling invasion if they would work.
“They could've easily stop that mean old Sombra from hurting any ponie,” added in Fluttershy as she held her Doomguy plushie tighter while she remembered the evil monster that called itself a king.
Weaponry
Royal Sword
Dagger
Light Bow (Weapon of Choice)
Light Arrow (Destroys Evil, can even damage phantoms)
Wiz: Speaking of which, Zelda is an incredibly potent spellcaster. While most of her magic is for use out of combat, she is more than capable of holding on her own. She can teleport with Farore's Wind, shield herself with Nayru's Love, and cast pyrokinetic projectiles with Din's Fire.
Magic
Minor Telekinesis
Prophetic Dreams
One-Way Telepathy
Farore's Wind
Nayru's Love
DIn's Fire
Healing Spells
“Strange names. Do they mean something?” Applejack asked getting no answer from her friends.
Boomstick: Also, she can talk... with dead people.
“Eeep!” squeaked Fluttershy.
Wiz: Spirits.
Boomstick: Like Boos?
“What are Boos?,” asked Rainbow Dash.
(*Cues: Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword - Ballad of the Goddess*)
Wiz: Zelda is also the bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom, a testament to her astute mind. This greatly enhances her magical prowess and gives her the power to dispel evil. She is even skilled enough to create long-lasting disguises. She used the guise of Shiek to evade Ganon's tyranny for over seven years.
“That must of been hard, hiding away as you kingdom fell into the hands of some maniac,” sad Twilight Sadly.
Boomstick: Wait, that's a chick?? But where's her...um...
“Don’t you dare ask that Boomstick,” hissed out Rarity.
Wiz: It SHOULD be noted however that the forms of Sheik and Tetra are nothing more than disguises, and abilities attributed to them would naturally be available to Zelda.
Triforce of Wisdom
1/3 of the Triforce
Enhances Magical Ability
Leads Bearer to Wise Decisions
Protects Bearer from Evil
Creates Faultless Disguises (Sheik of the Sheikah, Tetra the Pirate Captain)
Boomstick: Yeah, but why would you want to toss tiny needles at people when you can shoot fireballs with your mind?
“Agreed,” said everyone.
Wiz: While Zelda is clever, mystically powerful, and helps battle Ganon when necessary, she repeatedly relies on the aid of others. Her success at avoiding capture can be largely attributed to her guardians and sanctuaries.
“Sounds like she can’t do anything for herself,” grumbled Applejack.
“How does she get anything done?” asked Spike.
“While I can understand keeping the rulers safe and all but aunty Celestia taught me all i know in magical combat and I've even saw her and aunty Luna train in the their private training room,” said Cadance. Getting a little annoyed with the more she heard about the princess.
Boomstick: She's really good at getting other people to do stuff for her.
“Uge… those kind of nobles,” sighed an annoyed Twilight. Never liking some of the snooty nobles in canterlot that would get the royal guards to do their dirty work for them.
Wiz: Right, she is a master manipulator. She can always convince a naive young hero to do her dirty work for her with little or no reward.
Feats
Escaped Capture as Sheik for 7 Years
Leader of the 7 Sages
Never Questioned by her Subjects
Briefly Trained in Combat with Link
Often Helps Finish off Ganon
Usually Relies on Guardians & Sanctuaries
“Now that's just not right!” ranted Rainbow Dash, thinking that not rewarding someone for doing your job was a huge load of bull.
“You could've at least thrown him a party.” added an annoyed Pinkie Pie.
Boomstick: How many times does this guy have to save you? Put out already!
“I already did,” Cadance said to herself with a silent giggle thinking about her brave knight back home and the time he would save her and get a “reward” for his brave deeds.
For some reason Twilight felt a little sick and embarrassed for some reason and she doesn't know why.
Link: You called for a hero, princess?
Zelda: Yes! But I guess you'll have to do.
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The girls and one dragon thought that while Zelda had the powers and equipment. They believed that she lacked experience to actually fight.
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Peach
(*Cues: SSBM - Princess Peach's Castle*)
Wiz: At first glance, Princess Peach appears to be your standard meek and helpless damsel-in-distress.
“Oh?” everyone said hoping to hear about a princess that was more active in her role in defending her kingdom.
Boomstick: And that's pretty damn accurate. Being a member of the Royal Toadstool family, Peach spends most of her time getting herself kidnapped, or baking cakes in the kitchen like any good woman should.
The girls didn't know what to be madder at. Boomstick’s comment or the fact that Peach was going to be another let down.
Wiz: Despite being a wealthy princess with a royal guard more than capable of defending the castle, she has been kidnapped over a dozen times.
Background
Full Name: Princess Peach Toadstool of the Mushroom Kingdom
Favors Technique over Power
Classy & Graceful
Resourceful & Athletic
Generous to a fault
Has been playable in 39+ of her 57+ games
“How many time?” asked a wide eyed Twilight and Cadance.
“Oh boy,” groaned out Spike as he knew he was going to have to keep the two princesses calm during this one.
Boomstick: Yet somehow, while still behind bars, she can send mail to Mario through outer space containing items and extra lives. Hey lady, next time, just send yourself!
“That seems really ridiculous and that's coming from me!” yelled Pinkie Pie.
“How is that even possible?” questioned an annoyed Twilight.
Wiz: Peach is an extremely athletic and capable fighter. She has participated in a variety of different sports, including soccer, basketball, and kart racing, and has survived every Mario Party. And as we've said before, Mario Party is no walk through the park.
“At least she seems to keep herself in shape and stays active,” complemented Rarity, impressed the delicate looking princess could survive a death trap like mario party.
Boomstick: Peach's unique array of weaponry includes a tennis racket, golf club, frying pan, and turnips! Which she can apparently pull out of her...
“Boomstick!” yelled Rarity as Twilight covered Spike’s ears.
“You know at this point i've seen so much from this show should you even care what i hear at this point?” deadpanned Spike.
Wiz: She ALSO wields Perry the Parasol, an umbrella capable of powerful strikes and magical properties.
Weaponry
Tennis Racquet
Golf Club
Frying Pan
Turnips (Can be plucked from any location)
Perry the Parasol (Can transform to suit terrain, stun enemies)
Peach Bomber
“It looks cute,” whispered Fluttershy as she stared at the happy looking parasol.
Boomstick: Oh, and one of her most valuable weapons is her ass! She can hit someone with that thing so hard that something down there explodes.
“Sigh…” Rarity could only shake her head in annoyance.
“Dem peaches,” said Pinkie Pie. biting her lip and wear a pair of sunglasses.
(*Cues: Mario Strikers Charged - Peach's Theme*)
Wiz: Peach also wields a form of magic called Heart Power. With it, she can float in midair for an indefinite period of time, cast healing spells, and summon lambs from the sky to put her foes to sleep.
“Those seem like… interesting powers.” commented Twilight not really knowing how to feel about the last one.
Boomstick: Don't pet that sheep, or you might wake up in a stranger's van.
Even though the group didn’t know what a van was they at least get the joke and found it in poor taste.
Wiz: And ever since being touched by the Vibe Scepter, she can channel her emotions into raw mystic power. When she rages, she becomes invulnerable but slows tremendously.
Boomstick/Rainbow Dash: Hold up! Touched by the WHAT NOW??!!
“Oh Celestia no,” whispered Rarity in dread.
Wiz: The Vibe Scepter.
It took a second for the rest of the girls to get what was the big deal about the name but when they did there face’s turn beat red.
“Oh my,” squeaked out a beet red Fluttershy.
Boomstick/Rainbow Dash/Pinkie Pie: (*laughs*)
“Really?” asked Applejack as she gave a flat look to her two immature friends.
Rarity could only cover her face in her hooves as she gave of a pained groan.
Wiz: Oh.... (*clears throat*) But Peach's magic reaches its climax with-
“Of sweet harmony,” groaned out Twilight.
“Heh heh…” Cadence chuckled nervously.
Boomstick/Rainbow Dash/Pinkie Pie: (*laughing uncontrollably*)
Wiz: ...with her mega strike technique, Empress Peach, a kick so powerful, it splits a soccer ball into three separate ones, delivering enough force to score three times.
Boomstick/ Dash and Rainbow: (*continues laughing*) STOP! I CAN'T TALK!
“Stop laughing!!!” screamed a crimson faced Rarity.
“NEVER!!” laughed the two laughing mares.
Vibe Powers
Joy: Wind-Powered Flight
Gloom: Increases Speed & Damaging Tears
Calm: Creates a Healing Bubble
Rage: Invulnerability & Increases Weight
Mega Strike Empress Peach
Wiz: Peach's Heart Power also naturally dispels evil magics, which is the actual reason why Bowser always kidnaps her.
“Huh, makes sense it’s like if someone tried to capture us back when we had the elements of harmony,” said Twilight.
Boomstick: Really? I thought it was because of... well...
“Don’t. You. Dare,” Rarity gritted out.
Wiz: Peach has assisted Mario in battles several times, once even saving him from Bowser on her own. Even so, she still needs rescuing on a daily basis, and her gratitude usually only goes as far as a kiss and a cake.
“Well at least she’s willing to fight,” commented Applejack.
“And she gives Mario a reward at the end,” added in Fluttershy.
Boomstick: What's with all these princesses not puttin' out? Give it up already!
“Shut up boomstick,” the two princesses in the room said in a flat tone.
Feats
Eager to Assist in Battle whenever she can.
Once saved the Mario Bros. from Bowser Single-Handedly
Survived every Mario Party
Can Never avoid a kidnapping
Awful Employer
Bakes really good cakes
Peach: Listen everybody! Let's bake a delicious cake... for Mario.
“The cake better not be a lie,” growled out Pinkie Pie.
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
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While both combatants were interesting in their own ways the group decided to go neutral on this battle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Death Battle
Peach gently lands with her umbrella onto a wooden bridge in the Mushroom Kingdom as Zelda teleports in front of her.
FIGHT!
(*Cues: Super Mario RPG - Through the Tree Stumps and Mushrooms (Remix)*)
Peach pulls two turnips out from the bridge and throws them towards Zelda, who deflects them back at her with Nayru's Love, causing them to hit Peach. She then begins crying and runs towards Zelda, who begins slipping due to Peach's tears leaving a trail of tears on the ground, then Peach jumps back and uses Peach Bomber, knocking Zelda back. Zelda then teleports behind Peach and kicks her into the air, then casts Din's Fire multiple times, knocking her further into the air. Zelda then teleports by Peach, kicking her multiple times, before kicking her downwards toward the ground. Zelda then teleports back onto the bridge and uses a charged strike, knocking Peach further back, who shouts.
“Wow for a dainty little thing this Zelda can put up a fight,” Applejack said surprised at the ferocity that the the two princes were showing.
Peach then gets up and uses Heart Power to summon a Sleepy Time Sheep, which appears in front of her, flies upward into the air, then downward towards Zelda. Zelda uses Nayru's Love once again to deflect the sheep back at Peach, who then knocks it back into the air with a swing of her umbrella.
“Sheepy no!” cried Fluttershy as she saw the poor sheep fly off in the atmosphere.
Zelda then teleports in front of Peach and slaps her, to which Peach slaps Zelda back. The two then trade slaps until Zelda is dazed, allowing Peach to bring out a frying pan and hit Zelda with it, bouncing her back twice.
“Peach is not letting up,” Twilight said surprised at the skill that Peach was showing.
(*Cues: Final Demise - The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword*)
Zelda gets up and prepares her bow and light arrow and Peach goes into a rage, walking slowly towards Zelda while surrounded by fire. Zelda then fires the light arrow at Peach, which cancels out Peach's vibe power, then causes the wooden bridge to shatter into tiny pieces.
“Not the smartest thing to do,” Fluttershy said Dryly.
Both Peach and Zelda begin falling, with Peach's fall controlled with the umbrella. Zelda teleports above her and begins firing Din's Fire multiple times while repeatedly teleporting, most of which miss, but one strikes Peach when she attempts deflecting it with her frying pan. Zelda then teleports in front of Peach, which Peach anticipates, and she begins striking Zelda with her umbrella and slaps, ending with her swinging her umbrella, knocking Zelda upward as Peach lands gracefully to the ground.
“Gotta admit that Peachy can really fight!” cheered Pinkie Pie.
(*Cues Staff Roll from The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Strike*)
Peach then uses Heart Power, regenerating her four hearts. Zelda heals herself as well, regenerating her twelve hearts, then begins casting Din's Fire once again, which Peach counters by throwing turnips. Meanwhile, the Sleepy Time Sheep, which had been knocked into the air by Peach earlier, has now begun falling back down at increasing speeds as Peach and Zelda continue throwing their projectiles. Eventually, the sheep finally lands on Zelda, putting her to sleep while standing before disappearing.
“Ok I call shenanigans on that!” yelled Spike.
“Yay~ sheepy came back!” cheered Fluttershy.
(*Cues: Mario Strikers Charged - Peach's Theme*)
Peach: Alright!
“Here we go!!!” yelled Rainbow Dash getting pump for the finisher.
Peach then makes a huge leap backward, gains her Empress Peach wings, then flies toward Zelda and delivers the Mega Strike to her head. This causes Zelda's head to explode bloodily, as she cries out. Peach then lands, with her opponent decapitated.
The group could only stare wide eyed at the brutal kill by the Mushroom Princess.
Peach: Did I win?
“Ya… in the most brutal way possible,” deadpanned Applejack.
K.O.!
Results
(*Cues: Super Mario RPG - Forest Maze*)
Boomstick/Rainbow Dash: GOOOAAAL!!!
“Rainbow Dash!” yelled Pinkie Pie.
“What?” asked a confused Rainbow Dash with a raised brow.
“Too soon,” said Pinkie Pie while wearing red rim sunglasses.
Wiz: Zelda's offensive arsenal is relatively limited and predictable compared to Peach's quirky repertoire.
“Not only was it lacking but those light arrows only really hurt evil beings,” Twilight lectured.
Boomstick: And while most of Peach's attacks aren't fatal, the mega strike, Empress Peach, gave her a leg up.
“Already to the puns Boomstick,” asked Pinkie Pie a little disappointed at the host for jumping to the puns jokes.
Wiz: See, a soccer ball is typically a kept add up to 12 psi, but since Peach's mega strike creates 2 more, it has enough force to add up to 24 pounds per square inch, or about 165,000 newtons per square meter, as of 1,000 newtons of can cause decapitation and 15 psi can shatter the human skull, the mega strike is so over-excessive it didn't just kill Zelda, it obliterated her.
“Too much math…” groaned out Rainbow Dash as she held her poor head.
“You can never have too much Math!” yelled Twilight as she held up a math book.
Boomstick: She got kicked in the face really hard and it went boom.
“Thank you,” said Rainbow Dash with a voice full of gratitude.
“Spoilsports,” pouted Twilight.
Wiz: Yeah, in layman's terms, I guess...
Boomstick: Peach sure fleeced Zelda in this fight.
“Better!” chirped Pinkie Pie happily.
Wiz: The winner is Princess Peach.
END!
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Boomstick: Next time on Death Battle.
It was dark. They heard thunder and saw lightning. When a lightning bolt struck, they saw a silhouette… in the shape of some kind of hammer.
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“That was interesting,” Cadance said, getting off the couch and onto her hooves. She saw Twilight and her friends walk towards a box as she said, “Is that the box that gives you stuff?”
“Yeah and it gives us some awesome stuff like comics, shirts and stuff,” Rainbow said, hovering over the box.
Twilight opens the box as Rarity lets out a happy little squeal. Inside the box were a bunch of dresses that Peach and Zelda wore.
“Oh, these dresses are marvelous,” Rarity said, grabbing a dress and inspecting it.
“Ugh, is there anything else in there?” Rainbow said, moving away from the box a bit.
“Nope, that seems to be all that’s in there,” Twilight said, moving a few more dresses away.
“Then I’m outta here,” Rainbow said, flying out the window.
“Well today was interesting,” Cadance said, flying back home. “I’m gonna need to train once I get home. Don’t want to end up like Peach or Zelda,” she said, thinking of where to start on her workout. Maybe Shining would have an idea.
